Until Angels Close My Eyes
The revelations about her father, mother and grandmother haunted her. How could she have never known the truth? Why hadn’t anyone told her until now?
“You should have been the one to tell me,” Leah said to her mother, knowing she sounded hurt. “Why am I always the last to know about everything in this family?”
“It isn’t a conspiracy, Leah. I was going to tell you about your father. I just never knew how.”
Published by
Dell Laurel-Leaf
an imprint of
Random House Children’s Books
a division of Random House, Inc.
New York
Text copyright © 1998 by Lurlene McDaniel
Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.
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eISBN: 978-0-307-77646-4
RL: 4.7, ages 012 and up
v3.1
This book is dedicated to
Josiah Christian McDaniel,
a lamb of God.
“What is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the
angels;
you crowned him with glory and honor
and put everything under his feet.”
(HEBREWS 2: 6–8, NIV)
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
ONE
“Leah, we need to talk.”
Leah Lewis-Hall flicked off the TV and gave her mother her full attention. “What’s up?” She knew something was wrong. For days, her mother had seemed edgy and uncommunicative. Most unlike herself. Leah’s mother usually had something to say about everything. When Leah had come home from school that day, the house had been empty and there had only been a terse note: Neil and I will be back before supper.
Her mother sat down on the edge of the sofa. “I’m sure you’ve noticed that things haven’t been exactly normal around here lately.”
“Are you and Neil having problems?” Leah asked, fearing the worst. Since Neil was husband number five for her mother, Leah had reason to feel apprehensive. Don’t let it be divorce, she pleaded silently. She liked Neil. A lot. He was the best stepfather she had ever had. Not only that, but she didn’t want to be uprooted and moved again. Not in her senior year. It was only October. Couldn’t her mother at least gut it out until June?
“Yes, we’re having problems,” her mother said.
“What’s wrong?” Leah’s heart sank.
Her mother stood, wrung her hands, and began pacing the living room floor. “Neil had a doctor’s appointment last week. Then, today, we went back for a consultation.”
“Where is Neil anyway?” All at once Leah realized that Neil was not in the house.
“He’s been checked into the hospital.”
“What?” Leah’s heart began to thud. “Is he sick? What’s happened?” She knew a lot about being sick. Almost a year before, Leah had been diagnosed with bone cancer. Leah’s mother had all but threatened the doctor with a lawsuit for incompetence and a misdiagnosis. Now her mother looked ghastly pale. Her face reminded Leah of her own excruciating experience.
“I—I never told you something about Neil when he and I first got married,” her mother said, her voice quivering. “When Neil and I first met back in Dallas, when we first started dating, I never dreamed it would lead to marriage. He knew I didn’t have a great track record when it came to matrimony. But we fell in love. I want you to remember that. I love Neil very much. Even the age difference between us never mattered to me.”
Leah thought she might scream, waiting for her mother to get to the point.
“When things first started getting serious between us, Neil confided that he had a serious medical problem. It began even before his first wife died. Leah, Neil was diagnosed with cancer in one of his kidneys.”
“Cancer? Neil has cancer? What are you telling me?” Leah’s voice was trembling.
“Calm down, Leah, please. The affected kidney was removed and he went through chemotherapy to destroy any lingering malignant cells. He’s never had another problem. I just assumed he was cured. You know how doctors are.”
Leah was reeling, unable to absorb all the emotions that were shooting through her. “You’re telling me that Neil Dutton, my stepfather, has had cancer? Why didn’t you ever tell me? I should have been told, Mother. Especially with my condition.”
“We were going to tell you. But the timing was just never right. We were going to tell you when we got back from our honeymoon in Japan. But then you were in the hospital, and Dr. Thomas insisted that you had cancer. We thought it best not to tell you then.”
Leah’s stay in the hospital had been traumatic. First the diagnosis of cancer. Then the appearance, to Leah anyway, of the mysterious Gabriella, followed by the strange and seemingly impossible retreat of the cancer from Leah’s leg bone. She had undergone six long weeks of chemotherapy and still returned to her doctor for periodic workups and evaluations. “I can’t believe this! You had plenty of opportunities to say something about this.”
“Neil didn’t want to. He thought it best for you to concentrate on getting through chemo. And when that was over, he didn’t want to burden you.”
By now Leah was on her feet. “Burden me? How can you say such a thing? Even if Neil didn’t tell me, you should have, Mom. It was your place to tell me!” She stopped abruptly. A new fear gripped her, overshadowing her anger. She turned to face her mother. “So why is Neil in the hospital?”
Her mother’s chin began to tremble. “Because it appears his cancer has recurred.”
Leah moved around her bedroom as if in a trance, preparing to go with her mother to the hospital to see Neil. She could hear her mother crying in the bathroom down the hall. This can’t be happening, she kept telling herself.
She stopped at the window and stared out at the twilight. The farm fields stretched into the distance, broken only by a line of trees whose leaves were shot through with red and gold. It seemed all the leaves were on the brink of death.
Leah longed to talk to Ethan. He would help her sort everything out. The clear image of his tanned face, eyes as blue as sky, hair the color of wheat and sunlight, seemed to smile back at her from the window.
&n
bsp; “I love you, Leah,” he had told her that last afternoon they’d been together in August. But he was Amish, she was English. They were worlds apart in every way—miles apart physically. Yet she ached to see him, touch him. She missed him. She missed the rest of his family, too, especially his sisters Charity and Rebekah. Leah shook her head sadly. She’d never see Rebekah again—at least, not in this world.
Leah leaned her forehead against the cool pane. She had no way of getting hold of Ethan. The Amish had no phones, no computers for E-mail, no fax machines. Only snail mail, the U.S. postal system. Although she’d write him that very, night to tell him about Neil, it would take days for him to get her letter and respond. She needed him now. No one at her new school would understand what she was going through. She wasn’t particularly close to anybody there. Sure, she had friends, but no one as special as Ethan.
“Are you ready?”
Her mother’s question brought Leah back to the moment. “Sure. Let’s go.”
They didn’t talk during the fifteen-minute ride to the hospital. Leah knew what it was like to hear doctors say, “You have cancer.” And apparently, so did Neil. At the moment, Leah just wanted to see him with her own eyes.
The community hospital wasn’t huge, but it was new. As she stepped into the hospital corridor, Leah’s own hospital stay in Indianapolis flooded back to her. The smell was the same: clean and antiseptic.
Leah’s mother stepped up to the nurse’s station. “I’m Roberta Dutton. Has the doctor been in to see my husband yet?” she asked.
“Dr. Howser is in with Mr. Dutton now,” the nurse said.
Leah remembered Dr. Howser, Neil’s physician. She had gone to see him when her finger broke for no apparent reason while Neil and her mother were honeymooning in Japan. Dr. Howser had X-rayed the finger, then sent her off to the hospital in Indianapolis. Except for meeting the Amish family she never would otherwise have known, the experience had been horrifying.
Leah’s mother stopped in front of a door, squared her shoulders and pasted a smile on her face. She breezed into the room, and Leah followed.
Neil was propped up in the hospital bed. “Hey, girls,” he said as Roberta kissed him on the cheek. Neil was sixty-eight, but he had always looked and acted much younger. The beautiful tan he’d gotten aboard the windjammer the past summer was gone. His skin looked sallow and papery. Leah swallowed against a lump in her throat. This change hadn’t happened overnight, and she was upset with herself for not noticing it before.
“Look, why don’t I let you visit with your family, Neil,” Dr. Howser said. “I’ll see you tomorrow when I make my rounds.”
“As soon as I’m out of here, let’s hit a few golf balls.” Neil’s voice had a forced joviality to it.
“You got it,” Dr. Howser said before slipping out.
Leah’s mother settled on the bed and took Neil’s hand. “How are you feeling, dear?”
“Like a truck ran over me.”
Leah noticed big bruises on Neil’s arms.
Neil pushed his reading glasses down his nose and looked over them at Leah. “Hi, Leah. How are you?” His voice sounded kind, soft.
Leah felt glued to the floor.
“Come closer, honey.”
Stiffly she edged forward. “I’m sorry you’re sick,” she mumbled.
Neil studied her, then turned to his wife. “Roberta, why don’t you go get Leah and me some ice cream in the cafeteria? I couldn’t eat much supper, and ice cream would taste good to me now.”
The request almost made Leah start crying. She and Neil sometimes ate ice cream and watched TV together in the evenings at home.
Roberta glanced between Neil and Leah. “I guess I could.” She stood hesitantly, looking a little lost. Leah kept staring at Neil. Her tears had retreated. In their place was a building bubble of anger.
When Roberta finally left the room, Neil held out his hand. “Come closer, Leah.”
She shook her head furiously.
“Please.”
Tears formed again in Leah’s eyes. She threw her coat on the floor and hurled herself at his bedside. “Why!” she exploded. “Why didn’t you tell me you had cancer? Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”
TWO
Neil calmly patted the mattress. “Come sit down, Leah. I sent your mother out of the room so that we could talk.”
“I don’t want to sit down.” Leah was shaking. She hugged her arms to herself.
“I want to explain why I kept this from you, but I can’t talk to you when you’re hating me for it.”
“I don’t hate you. Please tell me.”
“In a nutshell, the timing never seemed right. And don’t be mad at your mother—I swore her to secrecy.”
It irritated Leah that Neil knew just what she was thinking. She was angry at her mother. “I’m angry at you, too,” she said.
“I knew you would be.” He gave her an apologetic smile. “But please put yourself in my place for a minute. When you were first told about your cancer, you and I were virtual strangers. I’d just married your mother, you weren’t happy about being moved from Dallas to Indiana farm country, and I was adjusting to taking on a wife and an almost grown daughter.”
Neil’s assessment was correct. Leah had hated moving and starting over in another school—especially one out in the boondocks.
Neil continued. “My first wife and I never had children, but I’d always wanted them. Suddenly, in my twilight years, I had a young energetic wife and a lovely stepdaughter. I was a little overwhelmed. I didn’t want us to start out as enemies, Leah. I knew I wasn’t your biological father, and I knew I couldn’t replace him. I had to find my own place with you.”
Leah turned her head, not wanting Neil to see how quickly tears had sprung to her eyes at the mention of her father. He’d died years before, homeless and on the streets. Her only link with him had been her Grandma Hall, but she had died too, and the biological link had been forever severed. Leah’s mother had married and divorced three more times before marrying Neil. “What do you want me to say?” Leah asked, looking right at Neil. “That I like you better than the others?”
He smiled wryly. “Just that you like me is good enough.”
“You know I like you. So if you know it, you should have said something about your cancer to me. You knew what I was going through.”
“It was a judgment call. At the time, the last thing I thought you needed to hear was a lame pep talk, like, ‘Oh, by the way, I’ve had cancer myself, so hang tough and make it through just like I did.’ I thought you needed to hear that I cared about you regardless of any health problems, and that your mother and I were going to be around for you no matter what. I see now that it was a poor call. I’m sorry.”
“Well, when I started chemo, you should have told me then. I was scared. You could have helped me.”
“I almost did,” Neil said with a sigh. “But I was afraid of discouraging you. You see, I was so sick during my chemo treatments six years ago that I wanted to die. When I saw you going through chemo, I figured, why tell you about my horrors when you were having hardly any problems with it. I didn’t want to jinx you.”
Except for some mild nausea, Leah had sailed through chemo treatments. “So that’s why you didn’t say anything? You didn’t want to give off negative vibes?” she said, rolling her eyes.
“You did have a pretty easy time with it, Leah. You never even lost your hair. I was bald as a cue ball for months.”
Leah tried to picture Neil without his head of steely white hair. “All right,” she said grudgingly. “What about after my chemo? You could have told me then.”
“Again, I could have, but I didn’t. I gave you the car to celebrate.” He smiled again. “I wanted you to be happy, and telling you then seemed impossible. I wanted to have more in common with you than cancer.”
Leah felt exasperated by his explanations. His logic did sound … well, logical. However, she was still angry and didn’t want to let him off
the hook for keeping such a secret from her. “You still should have said something to me.”
“I really figured I’d tell you this past summer. Out there on that windjammer, under those stars, a person feels very close to God. And to one’s family.”
“I wanted to live in Nappanee and work,” Leah said defensively. She didn’t add that she’d wanted to be with Ethan as much as possible, and that her summer with him had been wonderful.
“And I agreed that you should,” Neil said. “Didn’t I argue in your favor?”
It was true. It had been Neil who’d gone to bat for Leah with her mother. It had been Neil who’d found her a job and a place to live. “I came home in August,” she said, getting in one more dig.
“And you were heartbroken over the death of little Rebekah. How could I have added to your pain?” Neil asked. “I couldn’t.”
“But now you’re sick and I have to know. Otherwise, you’d probably never have told me, would you?”
“Probably not,” Neil said. “By now, it would have been historical information and totally unnecessary to your well-being. For one so young, Leah, you’ve had a lot dumped on you in your life. I didn’t want to be one more bad thing.”
“Will you be honest with me from now on?” Leah asked. “Will you tell me exactly what’s going on? Exactly what your doctor says?”
“Yes,” Neil said. “No need to shelter you anymore. From now on out, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.”
Leah managed a smile for him. The truth. She hoped they all could handle it.
Later that night, Leah composed a letter to Ethan. After telling him about Neil’s previous cancer diagnosis, she poured out her feelings:
Weird, isn’t it? That Neil and I should have so much in common without me knowing about it until now. I don’t think it’s right that he and Mom kept the truth from me, but it’s been done and I know I shouldn’t hold it against them. I believe Neil really thought he was doing the best thing for me. But it would have been good for me to know that he’d been through chemo before I started. I was pretty scared about it, and he could have helped me.