Until Angels Close My Eyes Read online

  “I could help you,” Leah offered.

  Neil smiled at her. “You don’t know a crankcase from a tire iron.”

  “I could learn.”

  “I wouldn’t ask that of you, Leah. No, you’re young and you should be dating and having fun. High school is fun for you, isn’t it?”

  Leah shrugged.

  “You ever think about what you want to do after high school? How about college? You make good grades. How’d you do on those SATs?”

  “My scores aren’t in yet,” Leah said. If the truth were known, Leah had no burning desire to go to college. She’d never been interested in any particular subject in school and figured that without some purpose for going, college would just be a waste of time. She said, “Maybe I’ll just get a job when I graduate.”

  “You could take a job aptitude test. We gave them all the time when I worked in Detroit. It helped us fit the applicant to a job. It might help you define your goals.”

  This was more than she wanted to think about right then. “Maybe later,” she said evasively. “I don’t like talking about the future very much.”

  Neil studied her kindly. “Is that because you’re afraid that what’s happened to me could happen to you?”

  With uncanny insight, Neil had looked inside her and uncovered her deepest, most nagging fear. “Maybe.”

  “Just because my cancer returned doesn’t mean yours will, Leah. You can’t equate the two. Besides, let’s not forget your mysterious friend, Gabriella. She played an important role in your recovery.”

  Aside from Ethan and Charity, only Neil had believed that something supernatural had happened to Leah through the mysterious Gabriella. “I don’t know what to believe anymore,” Leah said. “If Gabriella really cared about me, where is she now? You could sure use a little divine intervention.”

  “God doesn’t owe people miracles, Leah.”

  “Well, I don’t think it’s fair. You’d think God would be nicer to the people who believe in him. You’d think he’d show some pity.”

  “Fortunately, God doesn’t play favorites. If he did, we’d all be striving to earn his attention, just to get the perks.”

  Leah had no rebuttal. She turned her attention back to the cars. “Please don’t sell all your cars, okay? I’ll help you take care of them, but please don’t sell them.”

  Neil rubbed his temples wearily. His skin had suddenly taken on a sickly gray pallor. “I guess I could hang on to them for a while longer. Maybe I won’t always feel this crummy.” He took her arm. “Will you walk me back to the house? I’m feeling a little woozy.”

  Leah let Neil lean against her, and together they returned to the house.

  FIVE

  Right before Thanksgiving, Dr. Nguyen said that there was evidence that Neil’s cancer was responding to treatment. Neil was feeling better too, and to celebrate, he took Leah and Roberta into Chicago for holiday shopping and the theater. Leah loved the hotel Neil chose, especially since she had a lavish room all to herself. Her window looked out onto State Street, where Christmas decorations sparkled and glittered from lampposts, and colorful storefronts with animated displays attracted throngs of tourists.

  The three of them ate Thanksgiving dinner, with turkey and all the trimmings, in an elegant restaurant. On Friday, while Neil rested, Leah and her mother went Christmas shopping. On Saturday, her mother took her into a photographer’s studio. “I thought we could give Neil a picture of us together for Christmas,” she told Leah.

  A makeup artist and hairstylist prepared them for the shoot, which took hours. But Leah enjoyed the session, and when they headed back to the hotel, she told her mother it had been a good idea.

  “I want Neil to be happy,” her mother responded. “He’s kind and loving, and I … I …” Her voice broke.

  Leah studied her with some surprise. Lately she had not given much thought to the way Neil’s illness was affecting her mother. Suddenly Leah saw that in spite of her mother’s apparent cheerfulness, it had all been a terrible strain on her. “He’s got good doctors,” Leah offered awkwardly.

  “You and Neil are all I have,” her mother said. “You’re all I want to have.”

  Was her mother concerned about her, too? She usually acted as if Leah’s diagnosis had been some huge mistake, some medical blunder. But now, with Neil’s health in doubt, she seemed much more frightened. “Don’t worry,” Leah said as casually as she could. “We’ll both be fine.”

  Her mother reached over and squeezed Leah’s hand, and Leah was amazed at how comforted she felt by this simple act.

  On Sunday they drove home, the car and its trunk stuffed with gifts and goodies. Leah’s mother chattered all the way. Neil nodded and mumbled “Hummm” a lot, and Leah stared out at the brown and dreary countryside, thinking. Here she was, seventeen years old, and for the first time in her life she felt like a member of a family—the kind of family portrayed on TV and in magazine stories. All the holidays of her past stretched behind her like a road paved with half-formed bricks. She’d never had a stepfather like Neil. The others had been imitations, men who had been indifferent to her—or worse, overly friendly. None of them had showed her the kindness and acceptance that Neil had.

  But Leah couldn’t help wondering what it would have been like if her real father had stayed with her and her mother. Would he have been the kind of father Neil was to her? She would never know. All she knew was that she wanted Neil to be well. Like her mother, she wanted him around for a long, long time.

  Two weeks before Christmas break, Leah was hurrying down the hall at school, not looking where she was going, when she ran smack into Dave Simmons.

  “Whoa,” he said as she jumped back, dazed. “Is there a fire drill?”

  “Sorry,” Leah said. Ever since their encounter in the parking lot, they’d given each other a wide berth. She bent to pick up the books she’d dropped.

  Dave crouched next to her. “You know, with football season over, I have more time for hanging around. I thought I’d give you another chance to date me.”

  Leah arched an eyebrow and asked, “You’re joking, aren’t you?”

  His eyes did look amused, and he wore a half grin. “Maybe a little.” He stood and hauled her to her feet. “I’d like to start over, though. So how about we go out Saturday night?”

  “It’s nothing personal,” Leah said, telling him a half-truth, “but I really don’t want to.”

  Dave looked incredulous. “You already have a guy? Is that it?”

  “Yes. He doesn’t live around here, though.”

  Dave’s eyes narrowed. “It seems to me like you’re wasting your time, then. If he’s not around, why not date someone else? He probably is.”

  “I’d rather not.”

  Dave shook his head and smirked. “Suit yourself. But this is your last chance with me.”

  “Thanks for the warning.” Leah heaved her books onto her hip and hurried off to class just as the bell rang.

  She couldn’t concentrate the whole hour. Not only was she angry about Dave’s arrogance, but she was also worried. What if Dave was right? Leah knew how tight the group of Amish kids was. Certainly Ethan was around Martha every weekend.

  Letters weren’t cutting it anymore. Leah wanted to see Ethan. She wanted him to hold her and say the things he’d written in his letters to her face. A plan began to form. With Christmas break coming, maybe she could drive up to Nappanee and visit him. Even a few hours with him would be better than nothing. And what if she went and stayed the week after Christmas? But where? She couldn’t stay with Ethan’s family at the farm. Mr. Longacre had never made a secret of his feelings toward Leah’s friendship with Ethan. Then she remembered Kathy, the girl she’d worked with at the inn all summer. Would Kathy let Leah stay with her?

  It took Leah two days to screw up her courage, but on Saturday she called Kathy and casually outlined her plan. She was rewarded by Kathy’s enthusiastic endorsement of the idea. Kathy thought it “so romantic” an
d assured Leah that she’d be welcome.

  Leah told her mother about Kathy’s invitation, choosing her words carefully. Surprisingly, she met with little resistance. “Neil and I are going to Detroit a few days after Christmas,” her mother said. “Some of his old friends are throwing a huge party New Year’s Eve. You’re welcome to come along, but if you’d rather do something with your friends, that’s all right.”

  Leah sat down and wrote Ethan, mailed the letter, and spent several days nervously awaiting his reply. What if he wrote her not to come? Then what would she do?

  Three days before Christmas, Ethan’s reply arrived in the mail. Clutching the letter, Leah threw herself on the living room sofa and tore it open.

  Dear Leah,

  I could not believe my eyes when I read your letter. You are coming. I will see you face to face. I cannot tell you how this news makes my heart happy! I have been thinking of many ways that I could come see you. Now you will be here and we will be together.

  Leah, I have much to tell you. Papa and I have harsh words almost every day. This makes Ma cry. Charity, Elizabeth, and even Oma cry too. I do not like to make my family unhappy. I am very mixed up. I do not know who I am anymore. I do not know where I belong.

  But this is not what I want to say now. I will talk to you when you come after Christmas. I think of last Christmas. You were in the hospital—not a happy time for you, but a happy time for me because I met you. Leah, have a good Christmas, then come and see me. I will be waiting.

  Ethan

  Thoughtfully Leah folded the letter. What did he mean by “I do not know who I am”? This didn’t sound like Ethan at all. For her, Christmas couldn’t come and go fast enough.

  On Christmas morning, Leah handed out presents to Neil and her mother from the mountain of gifts heaped beneath the ornately decorated tree in the living room. Leah’s favorite gift was a gold charm bracelet from Neil. “Oh my gosh!” she cried, trying it on. “This is so gorgeous! Thank you.”

  Neil looked pleased. “I picked it out myself. I chose a few charms, but there’s plenty of room for more. I think the idea is to add one every time something significant happens in your life.”

  “Like little milestones,” her mother said. “Charm bracelets are very fashionable, you know.”

  Leah examined each tiny charm. There was a silhouette of the state of Indiana, replicas of a vintage car and an Amish buggy, and a charm symbolizing Chicago—for the vacation they’d had there together. But the charm that made a lump rise in Leah’s throat was an angel. The angel’s face was a diamond chip. Leah locked eyes with Neil. He offered a knowing smile. “So you’ll always have an angel with you,” he said.

  Leah jumped to her feet. “This one’s yours. We saved it for last.” She dragged a large, square object from behind the living room curtain and set it in front of Neil.

  Neil tore off the paper to discover a framed photograph of his wife and Leah. “Beautiful,” he said. “Absolutely beautiful. Thank you.”

  Leah’s mother bent down and pulled another box from beneath her chair. “This goes with it.”

  The box held a photo album, and every page held pictures of them, some from the recent photo session. Leah looked over Neil’s shoulder as he thumbed through it. “I’m the luckiest man in the world,” he said. “And I have two of the most beautiful women in the world to prove it.”

  Leah fingered the charm bracelet and held it up. The diamond-faced angel caught the lights from the tree and winked at her. Leah wondered if Gabriella might be watching—and feeling pleased.

  Leah was ready to go early the next afternoon for Nappanee. The day was cold, the skies cloudy, but there was no snow in the forecast. “You drive carefully,” her mother told her. “And call us the minute you get to Kathy’s house.”

  “You and Neil have fun in Detroit,” Leah said. “See you on New Year’s Day.”

  When Leah arrived in Nappanee at dusk, she drove down familiar streets. The front of the inn where she’d worked resembled a picture on a Victorian Christmas card. As she pulled into Kathy’s driveway, Kathy came out to meet her.

  “Leah, you look great!” Kathy said. The dark-haired girl was bundled in jeans and a bright red sweater. Little Christmas tree earrings dangled from her ears.

  “You do, too,” Leah said, hauling her duffel bag from the car.

  Leah followed Kathy inside and up to her bedroom. She tossed her bag onto a cot cluttered with stuffed animals.

  “Remember this?” Kathy held up a picture of Leah and herself. They were standing in front of the inn in their uniforms, holding up mops and brooms.

  “I forgot these were taken. Boy, those were ugly uniforms.”

  Kathy laughed. “I’m working there again this summer. How about you?”

  “Who knows?” Leah said with a shrug.

  “Only six more months of high school, then I’m off to college. I can’t wait.”

  “I’m not sure what I’ll be doing yet. Where are you going?”

  “Boston College. I want to study physical therapy.”

  There was a knock on the bedroom door, and one of Kathy’s sisters stuck her head inside. “Leah, there’s someone at the front door for you. It’s a boy.”

  “Go, girl!” Kathy said, giving Leah a shove.

  Leah hurried down the stairs. The foyer was empty.

  “He’s on the porch,” Kathy’s sister whispered. “He wouldn’t come in.”

  Leah opened the door. A blast of cold air struck her face. Ethan was standing in a pool of light. “Hello, Leah,” he said. Leah flung herself into his open arms.

  SIX

  Ethan cradled Leah’s face between his palms and said, “You are as beautiful to me as ever.”

  Just looking up into his blue eyes made Leah’s knees go weak. “Oh, Ethan.… I’ve missed you so much.”

  His lips found hers. The warmth of his mouth broke through the icy chill of the night air. His kiss lingered; then he hugged her hard against his chest. He was dressed English. Even through the layers of coat and sweaters he wore, she felt his heart thudding. He smelled clean like soap and tasted of cinnamon candy. She wrapped her arms around him tightly.

  “I could not wait until the morning to see you,” he said. “I had to come tonight.”

  “How did you get here?” Leah peered around him, half expecting to see his Amish buggy and his horse, Bud. What she saw was Jonah’s old beat-up green car.

  “I have learned to drive,” Ethan said. “I have my license now.”

  Leah was shocked. “You never told me that in your letters.”

  “I wanted to surprise you.”

  “What’s your father say about it?”

  “He does not know.”

  This wasn’t typical of the Ethan she knew. The old Ethan never would have gone against his father’s wishes or acted behind his father’s back. “Do you like driving?”

  “Yes. And getting places takes less time. I like that too.”

  “But you still live at home?”

  “Only during the week. On weekends I stay in town at Jonah’s. He has a job in town now. And his own apartment. Many new friends, too. It is often like one big party.”

  Leah realized that many changes had occurred in the few months she and Ethan had been apart. “Jonah always told me he’d stay Amish, that English ways were for fling-taking only.”

  “He is still Amish. We are all Amish.” Ethan sounded defensive. “Trying out English ways will not change who we are.”

  “How does Charity feel about Jonah living on his own? Does she come to his parties?” Ethan’s sister had once confided to Leah that she expected one day to marry Jonah.

  “She has come to a few parties, but before Christmas she told Jonah she would not see him again unless he changed his habits and came back to the Amish way.”

  “I’ll bet he didn’t take that too well.”

  “He got very drunk. And very sick.” Ethan smoothed Leah’s hair. “I do not want to talk about Jonah
and Charity. I want to talk about us.”

  “What about us?”

  “You will be here only a week, and I want to spend all of my time with you.”

  “What about your farm chores?”

  “The heavy work is done until spring. Simeon is expected to take on more of the easier work I have been doing. I have thought about getting a job in town for the winter.”

  Leah stepped back. “Can you do that?”

  “It is something we Amish often do during the wintertime to earn extra money.”

  “What would you do? What can you do?”

  Ethan’s eyes took on a mischievous sparkle. “Do you think I have no talents except pitching hay and mending fences?”

  Leah felt her face redden. Ethan had gone to school only through the eighth grade, and she wasn’t sure what kind of job skills he possessed. “Of course not. I was just wondering, that’s all.”

  “I am a good carpenter. And there are Amish farmers who have no sons or who do not stay with the old ways. They have machinery to make jobs easier. I can work at one of these farms.”

  “Is this what you want?”

  “What I want,” Ethan said quietly, “is to spend every minute of this week with you. I will be staying at Jonah’s here in town all week long so that we can be together.”

  She tightened her arms around his waist again. “All right. But I want to see Charity, too. Is it okay if I go out to your farm?”

  “Certainly it is all right.”

  “Then I’ll go in the morning.”

  “I will go with you,” he said. He gave her Jonah’s address. “Come and get me when you are ready.”

  He kissed her goodnight. Leah watched him return to Jonah’s old car and drive away. She felt unsettled. She was so out of step with Ethan’s life. When she’d left in August, he had been testing the limits of his Amish upbringing—but just slightly. Now, only a few months later, he was driving and talking of taking a job. Ethan hadn’t been kidding when he’d written, “I do not know where I belong.”